I can imagine how annoying the newlyweds would be if someone at this joyful moment told them that at least 7 - 8 marriage crises are ahead, and they will all be a difficult test. But these problem situations - crises - require the family to take appropriate decisions, so everyone should be aware of their occurrence. Who warned - that is armed.
In fact, crises are “embedded” in the algorithm for the existence of any family. Some of them are called “development crises,” and they are associated with stages of family evolution. The beginning of life together, the birth of the first child, the birth of the second and subsequent children, the first year of school, adolescence and the departure of the child from the family of parents ... Others are related to "force majeure circumstances" - the so-called stressors. Psychologists call them outside influence. This category of problems is presented in such a variety that it is simply impossible to list all possible options. And here it is important to note that in each family different crises can manifest themselves in different ways.
Consider the first group, that is, the natural development crises:
1. The crisis of the first year of marriage. Psychologists have noted an interesting pattern: as soon as a stamp is put in a passport, both of them bring a kind of stamp to their family, and both are trying to build their family life on the model of their parents. But as practice shows, even civil marriage does not avoid this crisis, only here it comes a few months later, but for the same reasons, namely: differences in tastes, attitudes, characters, different ideas about the role of husband and wife. Lapping characters can be quite painful for both, but this process is inevitable, and everyone needs to understand: connecting with the next partner, you will encounter the same problems. The main thing that should be remembered for this crisis - yielding, stay yourself!
2. The crisis of three or four years of marriage. For me, it was he who was the hardest. Usually, a child appears in the family during this period, and the crisis is associated with fatigue of the parents, as well as the fact that it is often difficult for them to come to grips with the new social role, but not only. We have already spoken about the evolution of love as a feeling, and it is important to know that it is the 4th year of marriage that has another transformation of love, from passionate love it goes to tenderness and affection, but it is very important to become mom and dad, to call each other only . You should not dwell on motherhood, remember the best thing you can do for your child is to build a strong relationship with his other parent.
3. The crisis of seven years of marriage. At this time in the family everything is already established: life, relationships, communication, work. Statistics show that at this stage of family life, the initiators of a divorce are most often women. Husband and wife have long been fed up with each other. It is during this period that they can make connections on the side. But a man cannot quickly and easily destroy what he has: a house, a family, a habitual way of life. A man too appreciates his work, his efforts that were needed to create all this. A wife may receive less of affection and attention from him, but he respects and values her as the mother of her children, as a woman with whom she lives under the same roof. The only way out for women is extreme in a relationship. Change! You can buy yourself a new dress, change your hair color, become fun and crazy - your main goal is to show him that you are a woman first and foremost, and then the mother of his children. But the main thing - do not destroy your marriage, know that in the next you can wait for the same pitfalls.
4. The crisis of fourteen years of marriage. “Gray hair in a beard, a devil in the rib,” - so they say about men who, having lived in a strong marriage for more than ten years, begin to actively go “to the left”, and even sometimes leave a family. So you have changed roles, as a woman at this time, on the contrary, appreciates her family hearth very much. Therefore, to save the family, you can use two options. The first is to give birth to another child (the way our grandmothers are), and the second is to look very good, very ... Do not find out the relationship and do not pretend that your husband is indifferent to you. Try to be especially sensitive and attentive during this period.
5. The crisis of twenty-five years of marriage together, exactly to the silver wedding. Children have grown up, career made. What's next? Many people in this period lose the meaning of life. Adult children do not require care. No grandchildren yet. At work, they are preparing for your retirement, and younger and more energetic people have entered the arena. All this does not lead to divorce as such (it is difficult to cross it out at once for twenty years), but to the actual dissolution of the marriage. Most often this happens with those couples who have seen the meaning of life and coexistence only in children. But initially they met, fell in love with each other and got married not for the sake of children. Children - only one of the stages of family life. They come into your life and go out of it into their own. And you stay. And the marriage remains. But I can console him - there will be no more crises, but in general, many people dream of freedom all their lives, but when they receive it, they don’t know what to do with it. Think about what you dreamed about, what did you want to do? You now have all your life ahead.
Now consider the second group, i.e., stressors. Most often they are associated with career growth and are the product of the 21st century. So this:
1. The crisis of five years of marriage. The reason for aggravating this crisis may be a woman. At this time, she leaves the maternity leave and returns to work. And he begins to understand with horror that he has no time for anything. She faces an impossible task: to keep clean and comfortable in the house, to pay attention to the child and her husband, to fulfill her duties at work, and at the same time to look good! It is quite obvious that you cannot make it everywhere. Determine for yourself what is most important. Do not try to grasp the immensity. For a husband, his wife’s going to work is also a kind of stress.
2. The crisis of ten years. It is usually associated with an individual “middle age” crisis. A person approaching this line begins to analyze the past years, his life and achievements. In theory, at the age of thirty, a person should have an education behind him, a partially made career, and prospects for further professional growth. If this is not, then it means that someone is to blame. Who!
No mentally healthy person will blame himself. We tend to blame someone. Who is guilty that I did not achieve something in life? Family. That they braked me. A woman who was sitting with young children can begin to think that the years were irretrievably lost, and therefore she did not achieve what she wanted. With the best years of her life, she put her family under her feet, spent on their service. And now the train is gone, and all is lost.
A man may think that having a family did not allow him to travel on business trips, stay up late at work and establish informal relationships in a company with colleagues. And now his time has passed. All his peers made an excellent career, and he stayed on the sidelines of life.
If you have such thoughts, then immediately remember: it is only we who are to blame for everything that happens to us, and no one else. We ourselves make choices and build our lives on the basis of what is really valuable and expensive for us. Do not shift the responsibility on their loved ones.
Family crises do not occur in all families, and if they do occur, they are not necessarily in the aforementioned periods. Remember: the main thing is to survive the family crisis. In general, the crisis - not a good word. Cold, unpleasant, heavy. And to experience it is even more unpleasant, especially if it concerns relations with the closest people. But, having passed through the crisis, your relationship will become better and stronger. The family is meant to give strength, not to take them away.
There is no universal recipe for family happiness. But there is a certain formula - a kind of advice that is attributed to Honore de Balzac, the famous healer of human souls.
Cherish and take care of your family, but do not forget about yourself. When helping households, do not charge yourself with their problems. "Pass" them through yourself, but do not let them fall unbearable burden on the shoulders. Yielding, stay yourself. Listen to others, but trust yourself. If something bothers you, talk about it.
And the most important thing. The human heart is endowed with a terrific ability that is too often forgotten. It can love. Remember this and love: yourself, your loved ones and life - in all its manifestations.